The Sock Monkey Wisdom of Mike Byers

10 reasons the sock monkey is superior

This month on Acoustic Blend we are remembering the life of Mike Byers, who passed last May. Mike was known by many as a Renaissance Man, and among many other things hosted Acoustic Blend for a time. Below you'll find Mike’s hilarious take on why a sock monkey is better than a cell phone.

You can hear the full tribute to Mike tonight: Saturday, May 10th at 8pm on WBAA, streaming online at wbaa.org or over the airwaves (105.9 FM and AM 920).

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“Sock Monkey” by Mike Byers

In an attempt to answer the age-old question of which is more beneficial to human society, the sock monkey or the cell phone, we have developed, through exhaustive research, interviews with millions of individuals from all around the world and an extensive review of the scientific literature, a series of considerations that we believe will provide the practical information that will allow each person to make this all-important moral, philosophical and technical decision.

1. A person listening to a cell phone during a concert, play or other performance is seen as a self-important boor. A person listening to a sock monkey during the same situations is seen as merely eccentric or, at the worst, a harmless whacko. Advantage: sock monkey.

2. A sock monkey is fairly cheap (or free if you make it yourself) and requires no continuing investment or upkeep except for a good wash now and then. A cell phone will cost money. And you can’t put it in the wash, either. Advantage: sock monkey.

3. You can talk to a sock monkey, but it won’t talk back to you. A cell phone not only will talk back, it will frequently do so in an unintelligible manner. Advantage: sock monkey.

4. Due to the innate perversity of inanimate objects, a cell phone’s batteries will always go dead at the most inconvenient time. A sock monkey has no batteries. Advantage: sock monkey.

5. If you use a cell phone to text while driving, walking or performing any other task that requires a modicum of attention and coordination, it’s likely you will kill or injure yourself or another person. You can’t text with a sock monkey. Advantage: sock monkey.

6. All terrorists use cell phones, but no terrorists use (or even have, so far as we can determine) sock monkeys. Advantage: sock monkey.

7. If you’re feeling sad, a sock monkey might make you feel better. And the reason you feel sad in the first place is probably because of what you heard on a cell phone. Advantage: sock monkey.

8. The FBI, CIA, NSA, DIA, Homeland Security and other government organizations listen to supposedly private cell phone conversations every day. They might listen to sock monkeys, too, but they can’t hear anything. Advantage: sock monkey.

9. With cell phones, you have to listen to not only your own idiotic, abrasive and unpleasant ringtone, but the idiotic, abrasive and unpleasant ringtones of others. A sock monkey has no ringtone. Advantage: sock monkey.

10. You can imagine the devil carrying a cell phone, but you can’t imagine the devil carrying a sock monkey. Advantage: sock monkey.

Any questions?

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